Significance of Mentoring

TON - June 2013, Vol 6, No 5 — July 10, 2013

According to Wikipedia, “Men-torship is a personal relationship in which a more experienced or more knowledgeable person helps to guide a less experienced or less knowledgeable person. However, true mentoring is more than just answering occasional questions or providing ad hoc help. It is about an ongoing relationship of learning, dialog, and challenge.” This description of a mentor was to prove accurate for me, as I describe my recent experience as a Patient Representative Stakeholder Reviewer in the funding applications for the Patient-Centered Outcomes Research Institute (PCORI) Cycle II Merit Review Assessment of Prevention, Diagnosis, and Treatment Options. To say that it was challenging and absorbing is an understatement!

Allow me to quote from my instructions, “PCORI’s review process embodies the uniquely patient-centered, outcomes-focused mission of PCORI: patients and stakeholders, as well as scientists, review applications against PCORI’s review criteria. Because PCORI’s review process differs from other peer review processes in important ways, PCORI requires that all reviewers complete online training.” I was to discover this statement was not misleading.

After the informative online training, I received the applications I was to review, and to my surprise, not one was about ovarian or any kind of gynecologic research (my specialty). This was a new challenge to undertake, and the process would require a great deal of time and effort to accomplish the work by the deadline. Each grant request was to be reviewed on the basis of 3 main criteria: innovation/potential for improvement, patient-centeredness, and team and environment. An overall score and an outline of strengths and weaknesses would then be passed along to the research panel. At the in-person Merit Review Panel Meeting, the grant requests would be discussed and voted on.

I generally face challenges with a determination to succeed, but this time, I thought perhaps I had taken on a task that either I could not or would not have time to finish. However, I had someone in my corner who thought differently—my PCORI Mentor, Debra Madden, who assured me I was capable and did so with grace, talent, and encouragement. She never equivocated for a moment in her emails, or on that important telephone call about my ability to not only finish the job, but to get it done by the deadline. In one of her emails, she wrote, “I’ve always been a bit of a collector of quotes that I’ve found inspiring. I wanted to share this one with you, thinking you might like it as well. Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal. —Pamela Vaull Starr.” I did finish, and before the deadline! And I hope to be a mentor like Deb to inspire others to go beyond what they thought they were capable of.

Now, reflecting on the experience, I thought about a story I wrote several years ago. I hope that by sharing it here, I will acknowledge my debt of gratitude to Deb, and that this story will serve as a reminder about the inner critic that, still at my age, can stop me from facing my fears and growing beyond anything I thought possible.

Up Up Up Over the Rainbow

There once was a Bluebird born into this world full of excitement and inner passion to experience all that life had to offer. For hours, this little Bluebird, named Charlie, would sit and watch the birds that knew how to fly. He would gaze in awe at how high they could fly and with such a feeling of complete freedom. He wanted this for himself and could hardly wait for the day it would come true.

As twists of fate happen, a Cardinal moved into the neighborhood just days before the time arrived for Charlie to test his wings. Charlie sensed the Cardinal was not happy and often kept to himself. “How sad,” thought Charlie, for, unlike the Cardinal, he was anxious to learn to fly so he could go and meet other birds and experience life!
One day the sun rose a little more brightly and the air seemed tinged with electricity. The day had arrived for Charlie to leave the nest and fly!

He awoke happy, full of excitement and anticipation. He knew he was ready! His heart started to beat faster and faster. He thought his little breast was going to explode with the expectation. He was ready!

Just as he said to himself, “Okay, here I go!” with his natural inclination to just fall out of the nest, the Cardinal, sitting in the next tree, shouted to him, “That’s not the RIGHT way. You will only kill yourself! Jump off. Do it the right way!” With this, Charlie’s heart started racing. Regaining his balance, he sat down, immobilized by fear. He sat, and sat, and sat. It was hard for him to breathe being so confused and anxious.

His little body was trembling and he felt so lost. Looking high in the sky, he saw an Eagle soaring proudly and effortlessly. Charlie sighed. Why hadn’t he been born an Eagle so he too could fly so freely and so confidently?

Days passed and little Charlie kept very still, waiting for some clue or idea to help him out of his predicament. Anything would help him feel better about himself. If jumping out of the nest, like the Cardinal said, was the right way to fly, then why did it feel so wrong to him? Charlie sat doubting himself more and more. Charlie’s depression grew, and not even the beautiful sun rising in the morning or watching the other birds could make him even want to try to spread his wings. What was supposed to be his flight to freedom and expression only brought him sadness and misery. He looked around and only saw the critical eye of the Cardinal watching his every move. He felt trapped, useless, and wishing he had not been born. Obviously, he was a mistake.

One day, from high up, a wise old Owl, who had observed what happened, said, “Trust yourself, Charlie. Listen to your heart. Go for it. Don’t worry about if you are doing it right.” “But,” Charlie replied, “the Cardinal said I was doing it wrong. I’m supposed to jump off rather than fall out.” The Owl kindly responded, “The Cardinal thinks he is helping, but he is so focused on what others are doing that he forgets he does not have all the answers. Also notice,” the Owl continued, “he is so busy telling you that you are not doing it right and watching your every move, that he is not flying and getting on with his own life.”

Like magic, right at that moment, a teenage Bluebird flew down and landed next to Charlie and said, “Hey, come with me. The Eagles have this neat nest high on the top of this tree, and we’re all wind sailing from their platform.” “Wait,” said Charlie, “how did you learn to fly?” “Well, it felt right for me to fall out backward at first,” said his new friend, “and since then, I have practiced taking off frontward. Boy, it sure did give my mother a scare the first few times I fell out backward! I knew she held her breath each time I did it, but she only had words of encouragement for me and was proud of my efforts. Then, unbelievably, my flock admired me for my uniqueness, and I started teaching others how to do my move. They were scared out of their wits to try. Imagine that! What came to me naturally, others were frightened just to attempt, and they soon appreciated how easy it was for me. My mother said I had been given a special gift. Boy, did this make me feel good about myself. Now I only do my backflips in bird shows and on days I want to be reminded of my mother’s words of encouragement to keep growing and trusting myself.”

With this, his new friend flew away effortlessly. Charlie looked around and very abashed said out loud to himself, “Sometimes you’ve just got to say ‘what the heck’ and go for it!” With this, he took a deep breath and with his little body trembling in terror, fell out of the nest. The Cardinal was, of course, observing all of this and yelled out, “You’re not doing it right! You’re going to kill yourself!”

Charlie fell straight toward the ground. His immediate reaction was that he had made a mistake. The earth was moving closer and closer! But suddenly, his natural instincts took over and he flew! Yes, awkwardly and wildly with erratic movements, but he was flying! He landed on a branch within earshot of his new friend, who smiled and said, “Hey, man, that was cool! Could you show me how you made those moves? I’ll meet you at the Eagle’s nest!”

With this, his new friend took off to the top of the tree to the Eagle’s nest. Before Charlie joined him, however, he flew to a branch near to where the Cardinal shook his head in disbelief.

Charlie spoke from his heart how he felt humiliated and discouraged when the Cardinal told him he was not doing it right. He shared how much this prevented him from trusting himself and how insecure and fearful he had been, scared even to try. The Cardinal listened without comment. Relieved by sharing his feelings with the Cardinal, Charlie took off. In his own unique and shaky way, Charlie started to fly to the top of the tree. Looking back over his shoulder, to his wonder, Charlie noticed that the Cardinal had flown up to the wise old Owl and was listening intently to every word the Owl was saying.

Our little Bluebird, Charlie, went on to learn how to soar to new heights. You may not believe it, but one rainy day he risked flying higher than he had ever done before, and he and his best friend flew over the rainbow! A songwriter caught the Bluebirds flying and composed a song about freedom and flying over the rainbow. That song is famous to this day.
What happened to the Cardinal? He is still hanging around his favorite tree. Except now he wind sails from the Eagles’ platform, demonstrating his graceful ability and setting an example for others to follow.

He learned that day from the wise old Owl and Charlie that it is more important to show others by example how to fly. For the greatest gift we can give to each other is to applaud one’s courage, rather than clip one’s wings!

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