As an oncology nurse, I have had the privilege of working with many patients with cancer over the past 10 years. In this article, I would like to share 10 valuable lessons that I have learned along the way.
The Ellen DeGeneres show was a big topic in our women’s cancer support group. The ladies had independently been trying to get tickets for over 5 years when I joined the group as a co-leader. I had already attended the show, and when they found out, they hounded me for secrets on how to get tickets. I asked if anyone had written to Ellen, but no one had. So, for our next group meeting, I created some hand-made signs asking Ellen to make our dreams come true. I snapped photos of us with the signs and submitted them on the show’s website, mostly expecting them to sit in the Internet ether forever. Shortly thereafter, I received a call from a producer at the show! Within a few weeks, Ellen sent a stretch limousine to pick up the ladies and bring them to the studio to dance with her. I have never seen smiles so big at a cancer center. This was all because we asked for what we wanted.
People do not want to inconvenience others, but every time you allow yourself to be helped, even in a small way, you are giving a gift. Do you know the saying, “It’s better to give than to receive”? Well, let someone else give! It takes courage and vulnerability to accept help. This is an important lesson, whether you just had a baby, are recovering from knee surgery, or have been given a diagnosis of cancer.
If you are the one who is offering help, be specific, because this makes it easier for the other person to accept the help. Instead of saying “Let me know what I can do to help,” say, “Please let me know when you are in need of a Target run.”
No matter how many clean beauty products we purchase, exercise classes we attend, or vegan meals we eat, we are not promised perfect health, nor time. I have seen clean-eating, athletic, young patients die from cancer. As the song lyric goes, “Live like you were dying,” because none of us are promised tomorrow.
Ten years ago, I attended an oncology conference and was very eager to go to a session about clean beauty and cancer. I took notes feverishly for the first 15 minutes, filling multiple pages of my notebook until the speaker got to a slide about radon, a cancer-causing radioactive gas. I learned that radon, which is emitted naturally from the ground, enters homes through joints in the walls, basement floors, and cracks in the foundation, and that exposure to high levels of this gas can cause lung cancer.
And, of course, almost everyone is aware that the sun generates radiation, which can cause skin cancer. The bottom line is that there is literally no way to avoid every single thing that may cause cancer.
However, there are definitive actions you can take to reduce your risk (eg, eating fruits and vegetables, working out, avoiding smoking). My best advice for risk reduction is to focus on living a healthy life, filled with people and activities you love, and the rest will follow. Sweat every day. Call your grandma. Eat the cookie. All things in moderation (well MOST things). If you obsess over avoiding cancer, the result is stress, and we all know that stress is not good for our health.
No one wants to go to the doctor or dentist, but it can literally save your life. For example, a routine colonoscopy can identify colon cancer in its very early stages, when it is easily treated. In fact, the treatment for some stage 0 or early stage 1 tumors, and most polyps, is removing them during a colonoscopy. Think of it as one bad day when you must be brave, compared to, theoretically, weeks or months of therapy if you miss an early-stage cancer diagnosis because you did not want to get a screening test.
If you are given a “soonest available” date for a test or appointment (or anything in life), book it and then get squeaky. Be friendly to the person who schedules the appointments. Ask to be put on a waiting list for a sooner date. Keep calling. Sometimes patients cancel at the last minute. If you happen to call at the right time, you may get lucky.
I remember sitting with patients as they heard about their cancer diagnoses for the first time. I would talk them through starting chemotherapy but felt so helpless and wanted to do more to comfort and support them. I thought about which items would be in my Dream Fantasy Swag Bag if I were beginning chemotherapy. It felt like a long shot, but I began reaching out to the companies who made these items. To my surprise, many of them sent products to fill bags for my patients. I realized that businesses are made up of people, and most people want to help. Sometimes they just need to be presented with the right opportunity. The next time you really want something but feel sheepish, ask nicely, and see what happens. People like to say “yes” when they can.
I have often thought about how death is similar to birth. They both have warning signs, such as contractions for birth and changes in breathing for death, but no one can predict the exact moment when either will happen. Sometimes people die very quickly; other times they hang on for days (or even weeks) longer than anyone could have anticipated. Working with dying patients in the hospital, I would have a lot of families say to me, “Please let me know when they are close to dying, ‘So and So’ wants to be here in the end.” I would always say, “If they would be upset if they missed the death, they should be here now.”
Hearing is the last sense to go, so be sure to share your love and encouragement if you ever have the honor to be with someone as they are dying. Also, if someone is unconscious, they may still be able to hear you. There are many stories of patients in comas who woke up and repeated something that was said to them when they were unconscious.
There is a difference between Dr Google and self-advocacy. Physicians have medical knowledge and critical thinking (which should not be underestimated), but only you know how it feels to live in your body. You have a unique perspective that no amount of medical school can replace. I remember a patient who went through 3 breast biopsies of the same area. She kept saying that she knew something was wrong. Fortunately, her surgeon believed her and agreed to keep ordering biopsy after biopsy (even when they kept coming back negative). She ended up having lymphoma in her breast, which is a serious cancer diagnosis. She was diagnosed in the middle of her first pregnancy and had to start chemotherapy immediately. She delivered a beautiful, healthy baby, finished her treatment, and was cured. She is now able to raise her daughter because she confidently advocated for herself.
No one is “battling cancer,” because no one is defeated by cancer. I know it may seem subtle, but there is so much pressure to “never give up” or to “keep fighting” and honestly, it makes me sad and frustrated. Cancer is often curable and can be more like a chronic health condition for years instead of a death sentence. Life should be lived with a reasonable degree of comfort and quality. If treatments are not working or someone’s quality of life is not where it should be, there is no shame in going on hospice care. It takes courage for someone to pursue comfort instead of treatment, but it may result in them having a longer survival versus someone who chose treatment to the very end. Death is not the enemy; it is a natural progression of life and the human condition.
When Ms Clark isn’t working as an oncology nurse coordinator, she runs the Instagram account @PoppieLady, as well as the website www.Poppie Lady.com, where she shares helpful tips. Her goal is to demystify medical information for women of all ages.
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