In December of 2009, Lisa M. Schnabel’s husband was diagnosed with glioblastoma, after 20 years of marriage with 3 teenaged children. Schnabel began working as a physician’s assistant in oncology the month she got married in 1989 and has been in her same position since. Her husband had been involved in medicine for as many years. He supported me through long hours and nursing children without a complaint. He even took a research job at the National Institutes of Health in pediatric oncology, so they would have lots to talk about over the dinner table.
After the diagnosis, the family suffered a miserable year, especially for Schnabel and her husband, now being on the other side of the job. In 1 week, they knew they were dealing with a terminal prognosis. To help her “shake the dread,” Schnabel did some soul-searching, going from clinician to caregiver. She wrote this poem to express her emotional rollercoaster and her love of her husband. She also still loves her career in oncology, helping others. That is why she hopes her poem can remind others why we do what we do even if it hurts sometimes—we are committed and caring.
By Lisa M. Schnabel, PA-C
When I was young and naïve, Oncology was a very scary word Twenty plus years ago my thoughts turned to death, vomiting and pain is all I heard. So imagine my chagrin in taking the first job offered me when my husband and I moved out of state as man and wife All I had seen before of Oncology were inpatients that were sick or worse—previously I had said “not in this life!”
Never say never has always been one of my favorite mottos to live by So there I was finding myself learning compassion with conversations about death and dying, I’m pretty good, I won’t lie.
“Live every day and make them all count” was another phrase frequently heard from the mouth of a young well-meaning physician assistant Until one day those words turned on me, mocked me, shaking my whole world and I looked at living different.
My loving husband of twenty years was suddenly struck like lightening out of the blue Amazing how in just one week our lives seemingly normal almost boring went to frantic and scary, just like that—who knew?
For a few short hours I was almost thankful the ER thought he had a stroke But when I returned the next morning and saw one of my docs at his door I knew That what I feared the most was not a joke.
I was numb and furious with little faith to draw on right then and there I conversed with God please let it not be a Glioblastoma or I surely would quit Oncology, that wouldn’t be fair.
I presumed all my devotion to helping others would count—I made promise after promise in true desperate fashion.
Alas my prayers went unanswered as I turned to the role of caregiver with all my heart, soul and passion I was afraid my spirit was broken—it wasn’t easy to return day after day where so many memories stirred inside me just walking the halls For a while my life seemed chaotic, falling down around me like I had been personally hit by a huge wrecking ball.
My friends, my support, my lifeline are all in one place They know my strengths, my weaknesses and recognize the pain on my face Leon would not want me to quit my career choice, he was so very proud of me He loved my people, and he knew this was where I belonged and where I should be.
My heart breaks a little more each day you have been away I miss you, I love you, and that is all I have to say!
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